i found the person i looked up to, to be gone. she was my idol. she was a cheerleader and super popular. the beautiful sun kissed tan skin with the naturally blond poofy hair. back then.....who didn't want that! i wanted to be just like her and found myself following her every move. when she joined the cheer squad, i tried out and made it too. at school everyone knew i was "Becky's little sister"! and i loved it! she joined student council her senior year and then i joined as a freshman with her in my class. the joy i felt being so close to every action she made was indescribable!
the day came that changed everything. becky had been taken from us. a one car roll over accident that took only her life.
i look back at this horrible tragedy, now with my eyes mature and open. i see a little sister lost, confused and alone. sometimes, alone by choice. i didn't understand how life could just go on.
but, i must find happiness.
how?
i am a quitter. i start and don't finish. no matter how hard, no matter how easy, i quit. why? i am learning to change this habit because that is all it is.
i am an addict. not to recreational drugs or alcohol for that matter, but to other things.
i am an addict to caffeine.
to the gym.
to adrenaline.
to attention.
to good food (which i am glad has never swung the other way)
but am I happy?
i find that it comes and goes. i am a natural competitor and find fault with myself often. i give up and take the easy road more traveled. but, I am better then this. i am a fighter. i am winning the battle of depression. i am winning the battle of addiction, i am winning the battle of body dismorphia (and YES this exists!)
I AM HAPPY........i have to tell myself several times a day and that is okay!
i want to live a healthy life and i want my family to be right along side of me doing so. i may have doubts, i may not believe in myself some days, BUT i know through experiences i have had in my life....i am a fighter!
i will succeed.
i am an winner.
i am HAPPY
