i found the person i looked up to, to be gone. she was my idol. she was a cheerleader and super popular. the beautiful sun kissed tan skin with the naturally blond poofy hair. back then.....who didn't want that! i wanted to be just like her and found myself following her every move. when she joined the cheer squad, i tried out and made it too. at school everyone knew i was "Becky's little sister"! and i loved it! she joined student council her senior year and then i joined as a freshman with her in my class. the joy i felt being so close to every action she made was indescribable!
the day came that changed everything. becky had been taken from us. a one car roll over accident that took only her life.
i look back at this horrible tragedy, now with my eyes mature and open. i see a little sister lost, confused and alone. sometimes, alone by choice. i didn't understand how life could just go on.
but, i must find happiness.
how?
i am a quitter. i start and don't finish. no matter how hard, no matter how easy, i quit. why? i am learning to change this habit because that is all it is.
i am an addict. not to recreational drugs or alcohol for that matter, but to other things.
i am an addict to caffeine.
to the gym.
to adrenaline.
to attention.
to good food (which i am glad has never swung the other way)
but am I happy?
i find that it comes and goes. i am a natural competitor and find fault with myself often. i give up and take the easy road more traveled. but, I am better then this. i am a fighter. i am winning the battle of depression. i am winning the battle of addiction, i am winning the battle of body dismorphia (and YES this exists!)
I AM HAPPY........i have to tell myself several times a day and that is okay!
i want to live a healthy life and i want my family to be right along side of me doing so. i may have doubts, i may not believe in myself some days, BUT i know through experiences i have had in my life....i am a fighter!
i will succeed.
i am an winner.
i am HAPPY
Wonderful blog Jamie!! Excellently written and so unashamedly open and honest. I'm so sorry about the loss of your sister at such a young age.. always so sad to see someone leave this earth before they have the chance to fully experience its wonders! Thank you for sharing with us some of what has made you the woman that you are today and WHO you are today! What doesn't kill us makes us stronger, eh? Looking forward to seeing more blogs from you, you FIGHTER! =]
ReplyDeleteHannah
Remember that mother's day when I first came home from Georgia? You gave me a picture, a saying rather...it said somehing to the effect of good friends know all about you and love you just the same. That was a hard mother's day, and you made it better. I love you for that. I love that you loved me no matter what. I want you to know that I love you always no matter what.
ReplyDeleteI am glad you are blogging!!!
sure love you for who you are Jenn......a huge part of my growing up years! <3 ya to pieces!
ReplyDeleteJamie, I think I stumbled upon this today for a reason! You opened up so honestly in this blog post. Thank you. I selfishly needed to read this on so many levels. I love your inner desire to grow, change, learn, and restart as many times as you need to, to continue to grow, change, learn and restart! You are an idol of mine. I think you are amazing. Thank you for sharing and helping others without even knowing. Take care my friend.
ReplyDeleteKatie